About Moving On ...

Bill Bridges, in his seminal book “Transitions”, teaches us that in life we go through many transitions, each with three phases: (1) letting go, (2) free falling (my words), and (3) new beginnings. For some reason unknown to me, we never seem to master the process!

Sunday I attended a funeral for a colleague with whom I worked in 1967-1969, when I was the employment manager at RCA. I had helped recruit him for a senior management job. Tom left RCA, just before I did, to take the general manager’s position of European Operations at Intel.

At the funeral I met his wife and his four children for the first time. There were many people from Intel and Apple, where Tom worked as the first general manager in Europe for both. I was the lone representative from the RCA period.

I had no idea that Tom had moved on to such a successful career with both Intel and Apple. After his retirement, he became a consultant specializing in assisting emerging Silicon Valley companies set up their European operations. In his last years, Tom published three fictional novels based on his vast experience as an executive and consultant. Many lauded Tom’s many interests and talents. Colleagues and family members remembered him as a generous mentor. His life was a life lived well! He had many move on(s).

As the funeral ended, we each passed by his coffin to say goodbye. I was touched by the experience. One more time I was witnessing another move on. In the past couple years I have said goodbye to several colleagues and friends. Each time, I had to reluctantly let go of someone who had moved on, someone I knew, loved, respected, admired, or a combination of the above. Then it dawned on me that moving on is the name of the game for our life.

It seems that it is all about letting go …

As young children, we have to let go of the bottle, a trauma for some, and a distraction for others. Soon we make peace with the situation, and move on. As we grow into infancy, we have to let go of being the one and only when other siblings arrive. We cry, some engage in tantrums, but eventually we move on. Our parents decide to relocate, and guess what, we have to let go of our close friends, our homes, and our familiar surroundings. For some, it is like the end of the world, for others a welcome change of pace. Some will refuse to let go, hoping to hang on a little longer. Soon, we accept the change and move on.

After high school, we have to let go of our comforts of home, and move on to college, the military, or some other activity that will require us to leave the nest. I left my native country to come to a place where people spoke a different language, where everyone was a stranger, not necessarily waiting to welcome me. For some, it is a frightening experience, but for others it is an exhilarating one. Again we move on, we adjust; we are realists, after all.

You think that by now we have learned how to do better with moving on. No chance!

We continue to move on … from our college, our military, our country, or other activity. We marry, and for some, it does not work out. Time to move on! We have children, who grow up and leave us. Time to move on. Our health deteriorates, and we are told to move on. Our careers falter, and we are asked to move on. We retire and we are encouraged to move on … to a cheaper place, a warmer climate, or to join other old people.

When we die people are told that we had moved on. I guess that death stops our moving on.

Is this all there is?

Bridges teaches us that after moving on, we start a new beginning; for some better, for others about the same, and for a few a bit worse. How come we do not focus on the new beginning, especially when we are the lucky ones who moved on to something better? How come we do not stop and reflect more on what our moving has taught us?  How come we focus on the loss and not the gain?

I must admit that I am one that has difficulty in moving on. Perhaps it is because I find it difficult to let go of people and situations I like. It is not an easy thing for me. In my later years, it seems like I spend much of my time retracing the past, taking care of loose ends. I do not want to move on anymore!