About Moving On ...

Bill Bridges, in his seminal book “Transitions”, teaches us that in life we go through many transitions, each with three phases: (1) letting go, (2) free falling (my words), and (3) new beginnings. For some reason unknown to me, we never seem to master the process!

Sunday I attended a funeral for a colleague with whom I worked in 1967-1969, when I was the employment manager at RCA. I had helped recruit him for a senior management job. Tom left RCA, just before I did, to take the general manager’s position of European Operations at Intel.

At the funeral I met his wife and his four children for the first time. There were many people from Intel and Apple, where Tom worked as the first general manager in Europe for both. I was the lone representative from the RCA period.

I had no idea that Tom had moved on to such a successful career with both Intel and Apple. After his retirement, he became a consultant specializing in assisting emerging Silicon Valley companies set up their European operations. In his last years, Tom published three fictional novels based on his vast experience as an executive and consultant. Many lauded Tom’s many interests and talents. Colleagues and family members remembered him as a generous mentor. His life was a life lived well! He had many move on(s).

As the funeral ended, we each passed by his coffin to say goodbye. I was touched by the experience. One more time I was witnessing another move on. In the past couple years I have said goodbye to several colleagues and friends. Each time, I had to reluctantly let go of someone who had moved on, someone I knew, loved, respected, admired, or a combination of the above. Then it dawned on me that moving on is the name of the game for our life.

It seems that it is all about letting go …

As young children, we have to let go of the bottle, a trauma for some, and a distraction for others. Soon we make peace with the situation, and move on. As we grow into infancy, we have to let go of being the one and only when other siblings arrive. We cry, some engage in tantrums, but eventually we move on. Our parents decide to relocate, and guess what, we have to let go of our close friends, our homes, and our familiar surroundings. For some, it is like the end of the world, for others a welcome change of pace. Some will refuse to let go, hoping to hang on a little longer. Soon, we accept the change and move on.

After high school, we have to let go of our comforts of home, and move on to college, the military, or some other activity that will require us to leave the nest. I left my native country to come to a place where people spoke a different language, where everyone was a stranger, not necessarily waiting to welcome me. For some, it is a frightening experience, but for others it is an exhilarating one. Again we move on, we adjust; we are realists, after all.

You think that by now we have learned how to do better with moving on. No chance!

We continue to move on … from our college, our military, our country, or other activity. We marry, and for some, it does not work out. Time to move on! We have children, who grow up and leave us. Time to move on. Our health deteriorates, and we are told to move on. Our careers falter, and we are asked to move on. We retire and we are encouraged to move on … to a cheaper place, a warmer climate, or to join other old people.

When we die people are told that we had moved on. I guess that death stops our moving on.

Is this all there is?

Bridges teaches us that after moving on, we start a new beginning; for some better, for others about the same, and for a few a bit worse. How come we do not focus on the new beginning, especially when we are the lucky ones who moved on to something better? How come we do not stop and reflect more on what our moving has taught us?  How come we focus on the loss and not the gain?

I must admit that I am one that has difficulty in moving on. Perhaps it is because I find it difficult to let go of people and situations I like. It is not an easy thing for me. In my later years, it seems like I spend much of my time retracing the past, taking care of loose ends. I do not want to move on anymore!

Games People Play

The late Eric Berne, an accomplished psychoanalyst, published the seminal book Games People Play in 1961. In his book, Berne chronicles common themes he observed during his many years of practice in a mental hospital. Thomas Harris later popularized his findings in his award-winning book: I’m OK, You’re OK.

Berne clearly presented everyday examples of ways in which human beings get caught up in the games they play. He gave these games memorable titles such as “Now I’ve got you, you sob,” “Wooden leg,” “Why don’t you …”, “Yes, but …”, and “Lets you and him fight.”

People often play games to justify their behavior, be it poor performance, lack of capacity, or just ineptitude. Some of the games are elaborate, others less so. Berne taught us that, left unchecked, the game goes on and on. Improvement requires that the game be confronted and addressed for what it is, a game, that can be a dangerous one. Often the victim of the game is the person engaging in it. Unlike win-lose struggles, the games that people play usually pay all of the players off, even if phenomenally losers, since they are about psychic equilibrium or promoting adopted self-damaging social roles instead of rational benefits. “These payoff are not consciously sought by the players but they are leading to the ultimate unconscious life script of each as set by their parental family transactions and favored emotions.”

Applying the Theory

Our culture is full of games that we play in order to avoid responsibility and escape owning up to our own deficiencies or lack of performance.  In my view, these games impede our social progress and problem solving.

Our politicians are great illusionists. Like great magicians, that they are, they respond to social issues by passing laws and then declare “problem is solved”:

·      There is discrimination in public accommodations. Let’s pass a law making discrimination illegal. Problem solved? Not really? After 50 years, we still see discrimination at play. Never mind that you cannot legislate attitudes and values. Never mind that folks continue to hang on to racist beliefs.

·      People find it difficult to vote. Let’s have a law that prohibits the enactment of policies and practices that inhibit people from voting. Problem solved? Hardly! People are still claiming vote suppression. Never mind that for national security we need to have a better way to identify who is eligible and who is not. Never mind that in some localities there is fraud and malfeasance.

·      People cannot afford to buy health insurance. Let’s force those uninsured to get insurance, and if they cannot afford it, the state will help. Let’s force employers to absorb a rising percentage of the expense. Problem solved? Hardly! Smaller employers are hiring fewer people or they are reducing hours, in order to contain this expense. Never mind that we are just shifting cost elsewhere rather than reducing it.

·      We have too many poor people. Solution? Let’s declare war on poverty. So, let’s adopt a law that makes poverty illegal. Trillions later, the percentage of poor people has not meaningfully declined. Never mind the wisdom of old: Give the poor a fish, he/she will have a nice meal; give the poor a fishing pole and he/she will have many meals.

Most social programs and policies tend to reinforce the game rather than obliterate it. Here are some recent examples:

·      Some, not all, students take educational loans that prove hard to be paid off later on. Whose fault is that? The loan provider or the student? Many blame the loan provider. Lowering the interest rate would solve the problem, you would think? No, some people are still unable to pay off the loan. So, let’s forgive the loan. Never mind that the student did not complete his studies, never mind that the student used the loan for other than its intended use.  Politicians perpetuate the game by colluding with the debtor by blaming the loan giver or its terms (Yes, but … game). What better way than to promise the students that they do not have to pay off the loan at all? What better way to get votes? Not all students play this game, not all students misuse student loans.

·      Members of minorities continue to suffer discrimination in our society, because of their color, ethnicity, gender, age, or sexual preference. Many blame their inability to hold a job, their lack of performance, and their lack of skills on the fact that they are part of a discriminated minority. Policy makers and politicians introduce programs intended to eradicate discrimination. What better way to get some votes? Never mind that the person remains unskilled, that the training they receive is not good enough, and that they continue to perform below standards. The notion here is (Wooden Leg Game), that were it not for discrimination, the individual would do just fine. That might be the case for some, but not for all.

·      There is ample evidence that the pay gap between the top and the bottom of the workforce has grown during the past quarter century. Whose fault is that? Of course, those greedy executives and capitalists (You and him fight game). They have rigged the system so that the common man cannot advance. The judgment of our politicians is quick to arrive. We need laws to increase taxes on the high earners, reduce the gap between the top and the bottom, increase the minimum wage, and so on. Never mind that most, if not all, folks on the lower part of the wage spectrum have failed to update their skills and/or education. Never mind that our quest for cheap products has forced our manufacturing base to go overseas. Never mind that people are already paying high taxes.

Concluding

Berne pointed out that the games that people play are not zero-sum games. On the contrary, the games our politicians play, for example, pay off all of the players, even those who do not deserve it. Politicians get the votes they want, and the voters get something they have not worked for (some may argue that they do not deserve). Wedge politics is a game that preceded Berne’s times. I wonder what he would say about it, were he alive today. By slicing and dicing the population, politicians have mastered the game and taken it the to a new level.

Consequences? Some people will not take responsibility for their own behavior. Others will resent doing the heavy lifting to no benefit to them. Rather than uniting, we are dividing the population. Rather than advancing, we are treading water as a society.

Your thoughts?

Immigration: The Tale of One Group

Immigration is a hot topic these days. I thought I would share in this blog the odyssey of a young group of legal immigrants, who arrived in America during the mid 1950’s.

Just the facts, man, just the facts …

The group consisted of ten young men, all from the same town, a hillside village in Sicily, with a population of about 4,000 souls. They started to arrive in America, legally, at different times during 1950s. There were 10 of them. All were in their mid to late teens.

All but two dropped out of high school.

Four of the ten came from a single parent household.

Three of them enlisted in the military.

One went on to get bachelor, master and doctoral degrees.

Five went on to learn a trade.

They all learned how to speak English within a year or so.

Eight out of ten married women of Sicilian descend.

All of the young men came from closely-knit families -- shared the same values, work ethic, and traditions. Although they all came from the same town, they hardly knew one another back in Sicily. They came to a small New England town, where 1/3 of its population had roots in the very same town the young men had left behind. It was in this New England town that they met and formed lasting friendships.

They were taught to love America, to fit in, and to pledge allegiance to their new country.  They all became U.S. citizens.

They would socialize during weekends. Some becoming life-long close friends.

Not one was ever on welfare.

Not one was ever on unemployment.

One retired early due to disability.

Six started their own businesses.

They all took pride in one another’s accomplishments.

Fast forward to 2015 …

Sixty years later, this is where the group is.

Four became millionaires.

Four reached middle class.

Two did not rise from working class.

Those still alive are all retired or semi-retired.

Two still work in spite of their advanced age.

Three passed away from a variety of ills.

Five now live … in California, Texas, New Jersey, or Nevada.

They remain grateful for the opportunity to come to America.

So what …

There is a difference between legal and illegal immigration. Those who came here legally did not have to hide. They needed not fear to be scooped up in a raid and deported. They could lead a more tranquil life and plan their future.

The waiting time for immigrants from Southern Europe during the 1950’s was five or more years, due to the annual quota of 30,000. A small number did jump ship and entered illegally.

Although immigration from Southern Europe was deemed less desirable, they endured the abuse and earned their way.

Sponsors were held responsible for five years for the economic wellbeing of the newly arrived. They were not eligible for government assistance until they became citizens.