The Art & Science of Pretending

Background

I am attending a retirement party for an executive. It is on its surface a joyful event … a nice meal, great drinks, and a lot of glad-handing.  After dinner and the exchanging of some celebratory drinks, the CEO gives a short speech. He thanks the retiree for his service and wishes him good luck and good health in his retirement. He then hands him a Rolex watch and other gifts. He now asks the retiree to say a few words.

The man rises slowly and begins to speak. The room is silent; everyone seems intent on hearing the man’s farewell. He then whispers that he is now entering a new phase of his life, a new territory, suddenly he raises his voice and says that he calls the new territory “the I don’t give a shit” zone.” He continues: “It is a great place. You cannot be fired, you do not have to be politically correct, you can freely speak your mind, you are unchained, and you finally feel free."

The audience is stunned and in silence for several seconds, then everybody applauds! It appears that everyone imagined being there with him. Most even fantasized about joining the retiree "there," whatever there is, although everyone’s version would surely be different.

The Unpretentious Truth

The “real” truth is that some colleagues were glad to see the old guy leave. A couple did not like his style, a few disagreed with his decisions, one individual in particular was salivating at the chance of getting the man's job, and a handful just did not like him much. Yet, on the surface, everybody showed respect for the retiree, everybody said that he would be missed, that he was unmistakably one of the very best in his profession.

The dictionary uses a number of words to define the word “pretend”…. to be deceitful, to cheat, to deceive, to dupe, to fake out, to masquerade, to pass off as, and so on.

One of the antonyms (opposites) that jumps out is “to tell the truth.”

Flash Forward

It dawned on me that we have all become experts at pretending, at not telling the truth. Why? How?

By pretending, we avoid conflict, smooth relations, and get along. After all, conflict is not cherished in most cultures; most of us choose harmony over conflict.

In the process, we become phonies, pretenders to be what we are not and act contrary to our real feelings or beliefs.

It starts early in our development. Here are some examples:

We pretend to be happy, when we are not.

We pretend to say nice things when the opposite is true.

We pretend that we did not hear something in order to avoid a fight.

We pretend to be politically correct although we resent being that.

We pretend we like our job, when in fact we find it boring.

We pretend we like our boss when in fact we hate his or her guts.

We pretend to be happy when in fact we feel miserable.

We pretend to be solvent when we are broke.

We pretend to be in love when we really are not.

Benefits from Pretending?

We pretend in order to shield our real feelings, feelings that might be hurtful to others or to ourselves. Pretending becomes a survival mechanism we use to cope with the perceived insanity of the world around us. 

It is very hard to not pretend! It takes a lot of energy to manage our natural spontaneity and candor.

Psychology teaches us that when we are threatened, we resort to one of three defense mechanisms. For some it is to fight (physically or verbally), for others it is to flight (rationalize the situation away), and for others to go with the flow (go wherever everyone is going).

Of the three, the last one is the most despicable to me. Why? It is the highest form of being phony, sly, and surrendering to unacceptable events.

Unfulfilled Wishes

Some of us resent using politically correct language than sanitizes our speech in order to avoid controversy; albeit, I am not an advocate of offending or hurting others.

Some of us no longer wish to say things we do not believe in, just to get along, choosing instead to be authentic, sincere, and to be respected rather than being liked or loved. 

The late Osama Bin Laden was quoted to say that “people prefer a strong horse over a weaken one.” Now, I am not an admirer of this man, but I have to admit that what he said sounds awfully valid.

Some of us do not necessarily want to go with the flow (whatever!) when the whatever is not to our liking. It might be a California affectation, but it does not play well in Peoria.

Some of us want to find that little child inside us that is not afraid to blurt out candid comments, not shy about being open about our feelings, knowing well that those around us will protect us and shield us from harm.

Some of us see value in being real, not me-too, in dealing with others.  We yearn for authenticity; we are tired of pretending. We are tired of going where we no longer want to go.

Some of us might say that it is a sign of old age. Perhaps!

Welcome to the “I don’t give a shit” zone. You are now free from pretending!

I concede that there are limits, such as hurtful comments, but do they have to be ridiculous ones?

What do you thing?